Submitted by Maya J. Lewis
It debilitated me emotionally, mentally, psychologically. She was gone. Life was moving on whether I liked it or not. I didn't like it. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to experience it, so I buried all my feelings for her; tucked away in a little dark spot in my heart hoping that one day the pain would magically subside. They didn't.
The pain of my Phoebe passing lasted longer than the numbness she helped me to move through when my mom passed just one year earlier. She had been my rock, my confidant, my friend and my safe space since I could remember. She knew how to speak to my soul with the gentle yet stern touch of love. She was my person through every life stage. She encouraged my creativity, she fostered my unique spirit, she understood my confusion, she truly knew the essence of me.
When my mom passed, I paraphrased Maya Angelou to recognize that village: I come as one, but I stand as 10,000. Despite the physical losses of loved ones over the past 4 years, what I have found to be true about Phoebe is that there is never just one. God has strategically placed women in and around us to guide us in every aspect of our lives.
I celebrated my Phoebe while she was here, so I have no regrets, plus I know she is still with me. She reminds/reminded me that I'm surrounded by the love of God and a village of Phoebes. I may have lost one Phoebe but when I looked up, I was surrounded by 10,000 more.
She showed up as the sister/friends who stepped in to support me when I decided overnight, I was going to sell my house on my mom’s birthday-- just 2 months before. She showed up as the mentor and advisor who always seems to text right as I’m telling God what I can't do. She shows up as the dinner invites for me and my dad on the holidays we would have otherwise ignored without my mom. She shows up as that one friend who calls to catch up during that week that I need to vent about life. She shows up offering to stand in in any capacity, so my wedding is a joyous celebration. She shows up checking on me from however far away, because she knows new cities can be lonely sometimes.
She shows up without trying. Without noticing. With love, compassion and joy. Sometimes she has jokes. Other times she has an ear and a shoulder. She may fuss and bring reproach. She may praise and high five. She may cry and console. Or she may watch and cheer from the sideline.
So, while I may have mourned for one Phoebe, I wanted to write this to thank every woman in my life, because I now know the blessing of being surrounded with what feels like an endless Phoebe supply.
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